Hello once again .
Computer gone for 2 weeks ++
People spamming me , some P5 kid . Alexander's sister .
I dont really bother, she's trying to talk logic with me, about FATS .
Like anything, but replying , asking and blah blah blah .
My life is complicated now . Not going to say but, if you happen to know,
just keep it to yourself . Just some school, family stuff .
My life is terrible now. If I could really have a friend always there for me ,
though I know God is always there .
Got my blades, super cheap, bad quality .
So, cant do any stunts . like going backwards .
maybe its new, but I still think is a bad quality.
Buy by my own money.
Have to be independent now is I want to continue going church,
dont ask me why, sad story .
Cried a few times these days, felt life was meaningless.
No one even care for me , except God .
Mummy, daddy, erjie, da jie, kor, close friends, is like nothing now.
Their first piority would never be me.
What could be the meaning of life? Only God is motivating me to move on with life.
Fall out with mummy, cause she knew I go church already .
Never mind , actually deciding to write everything here to vent my anger.
Mummy says that she is not giving me money anymore, for anything.
including allowances, to the people I owe money to,
I am sorry , I will try my best to pay you . No idea how, but there is always a will.
Daddy, could never give me money, he never did, only for going out.
But I decide not to take money from anyone, including home food.
Mummy's money, so , I am not eating.
Already been 2 days, did not even touch any food excluding breakfast.
Dinner, only drink water. including soup but not the ingredients .
Lunch, always out, busy now days.
Just pray I wont pass out and these days would be over .
As soon as mummy allow me to go church, than I would start eating dinner.
Though it sound fake, but its real , for real.
Dont know why I'm writing it here, but just to share my feelings,
Though Erjie is in the same state as me , mummy know that she goes church,
but I think mummy still gives her money .
I just feel I am nothing in this house , no point staying ,
ever thought of leaving, like popo says, if you want to continue going church,
Leave this house. But, where can I go? sound so dramatic,
but yet, it's true. I really feel , seriously nothing,
nothing in school, at home, in Band, in Council(not really but a bit)
I always hear that I go in trumpet because of my discipline . which mean bad.
But , you never know how I feel hearing all these comments, negative.
I ever thought of quitting, but I like band, music,
I feel very useless. People say I become councillor because I am chairman.
But it does not prove anything,
I really dont want people to look down on me , but whatever I do, nobody cares. (ONLY GOD)
Surely nobody notice the change from primary school till secondary school.
People always says I am noisy, but , it's my personality .
WHy cant people just understand?
I'm being look down everytime. Nobody understands.
Surely nobody had been in my shoes before.
Sorry to erjie if you see these.
Your first piority i always your friends, did you ever care how I feel?
the day I walk with you to school with your friends, I wanted to see the picture you told me to get lost. I am starting to feel that what Hanif say is true. Even my sister dont likes me .
I was always there for everyone everytime. but when I am sad , no one is ever there((ONLY GOD)
These few days I am trying to make myself happy, but , people always dampen my spirits.
People always never notice how big the impact they make on me when they say something to hurt my heart. Like PERSON A, the PE teachers said that she had very good potiential for sport.
She is also in band, the pe teacher asked her ot join sports. she is considered my good friend.
I was talking to her, "dont betray band , okay?" she one sentences shoot back at me, " Your business mehh?"
I was thinking to myself, I really mean nothing to anyone.
In class PERSON B & C is always the people who always take my job. Though I dont mind, but , cant they leave something for me , in music class, in camp, I didnt even lead the cheer .
The council friends ask me why I never lead, I could never answer,
music , I would also have nothing to reply them if they ask me .
Poeple never will know how I feel, if mama never go, things would be different,. why must she leave, I could tolerate the caning , scolding .
Nobody know even cares for me , (ONLY GOD) I know all those caning and scolding was all because mama care for me. I miss the days I was controled,
I dont want freedom, I just want somebody to care for me, plan my things. Scold me,
but nobody does now , I really miss those days .
Actually I really wonder, is there such things as true friends , it seems that I dont even have one,
no one was there when I need somebody to cry on. No one comforts me when I am crying.
I am not as strong as you all think .
Watching television, got to go bye .